Long Island Center for Divorce Mediation

To alleviate some of the painful effects of difficult child custody disputes, courts are advising parents of alternative resolutions. This typically happens when a parent fights joint custody. Mediation is one such method where couples meet without a judge to settle their issues with an unbiased third party.

Because this happens outside of the courtroom setting, many people make the critical mistake of not preparing for it. Remember: the results of your mediation process can determine the outcomes of your child custody arrangements. Thus, it is vital to prepare for the discussion that will take place. You must gather evidence and information to support your cause, outline all your issues and set absolute objectives. This helps you achieve the joint custody child support outcomes that you desire.

Defining Mediation 

The first step towards preparation is understanding mediation. In comprehending the mediation process in your jurisdiction, you can best prepare for the process. This process is where both parents meet a third party unbiased mediator who discusses issues related to child custody. This meeting is voluntary and confidential. However, any agreement or statements that stem from these meetings can be eventually used by the mediator to make recommendations. Allegations of neglect and abuse do not remain confidential.

For instance, if you initially agree to joint custody or state that he or she is a good parent, you may have difficulty later winning full custody. The court also gives the mediator power to report on a parent’s conduct and behavior. Lack of participation, physical threats, or predisposition towards violence will be reported. The judge assigned to your case will learn of the issues discussed during your mediation. He will then use these details to evaluate the merits of your case if it reaches their courtroom.

Preparing for the Mediation Process

Never engage in a mediation process blindly because any agreements that you conclude will influence the custody of your child. To be successful, gather pertinent information before you attend the meeting. It is critical to ask questions beforehand, so you will see the full picture. Be comfortable and prepared to share details positive and negative.

For example, if the other parent has had referrals to the children’s protective agency, the last thing you will agree to is that this person is a good parent. Do not make assumptions that the agency which investigated the referral will notify you. Many times these agencies only contact the offending party and the person who reported the neglect or abuse. It is vital to be aware of everything before documenting anything in writing during your mediation process.

Outline Issues and Concerns

Another way to ensure the success of your mediation process is to outline the issues and concerns in advance of the meeting. The general rule is that you arrive at the meeting with more than just the statement of “I want custody.” You have to be able to explain how you can support and nurture the children and why you are the better parent to receive primary custody.

Qualifications may vary, depending on a case to case basis. Some things to consider are the following:

• Is the parent living with an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Does your child have special needs, which the other party cannot meet?
• Is the other parent dependent on drugs or alcohol?
• Where is the neighborhood of a parent and is it safe?
• Does the other party have mental issues?
• Can the other parent’s job to provide for the needs of the child?

These are some considerations to mentally take note of and prepare for before the actual meeting. Not an extensive list, but these are potential issues that you will need to prepare yourself for when preparing for your battle. Outlining these issues and bringing pertinent evidence, such as documents to support your concerns, will give your mediator a chance to guide your discussion process more effectively.

Collaborating with Your Attorney

Knowing what you want and informing your attorney of your demands is one of the most crucial parts of your preparation process. It is critical to collaborate with a trusted attorney because you do not want your representative entering the meeting claiming you want visitation rights when you prefer full custody. It is important to meet with your attorney to discuss things beforehand so you can be on the same page during the mediation process. For instance,being aware of the Child Support policies in Long Island, New York will provide a benchmark of how much alimony to demand from the other parent.

You and your attorney are a team, so you must develop a plan and even a contingency plan in case things become a challenge. Plan for details such as negotiating for more frequent visitation rights that is within your state law. Your lawyer will outline an agreement demanding that the other parent must notify you in case of important events or notices coming from school.

Your attorney can also set up time for phone visitations on the days wherein you don’t have actual visitation. It is important to remember that the courts want and encourage parents to work together so that a child will have meaningful access to the non-custodial parent. All of these details will come into play during your mediation. So, it is crucial to discuss these things with your lawyer.

Custody Recommendations to the Court

If two parties cannot come to an amenable solution regarding child custody arrangements, the mediator will make recommendations to the court regarding the results of the custody discussions. The mediator will give examples and reasons for their conclusions, along with their detailed recommendations that may include an outline of time sharing details, like which parent should have the child on what holidays or important occasions.

The court places a lot of value on a mediator’s recommendations, and usually, they adopt the mediator’s plans without making amendments. As you can see, mediation is critical and can have a huge outcome on your case, so it is essential to come to these mediation meetings prepared.

The Foundation of Long Island Divorce Mediation

Divorce mediation is when couples sit down with a qualified mediator to hopefully resolve their divorce issues. They don’t have to bear the hefty expenses of lawyers and the stress of divorcing through a litigating court system- the divorce process that more than two million men and women complete annually.

Experienced divorce mediators can help couples mutually resolve issues including property division, support for children and spouse(s), the financial division of assets, and drawing up agreements for pensions, taxes, debts, and insurances.

You might be thinking, can a Long Island mediator help me get rid of my or my spouse’s anger? Even with the right professionals, divorce mediation will not remove anger. Instead, the process is designed to keep couples from adversely affecting how they settle their differences. The mediators also help mediate parental and financial obligations you created together. 

 How Much Do Mediations Cost and What Is Involved

A Long Island mediator is quickly becoming a financially sound option for divorce, rather than the expense of a prolonged divorce proceeding. The average cost of the whole process can vary from $2500 to $9,000. The cost depends on the type of service needed (divorce or legal separation) and the complexity of the issues regarding children and finances  It involves a certain number of sessions, the cost to prepare and file the necessary divorce paperwork, and the preparation of a “Stipulation of Settlement” agreement. Obtaining a divorce or legal separation through the mediation process is proving to be less costly and is faster and more amicable than a litigated situation. 

Who Are Divorce Mediators?

Mediators can include a state-licensed divorce lawyer and/or a licensed marital psychologist, as well as other professionals. These professionals represent both spouses in a partial and non-judgmental environment. Divorce are usually unhappy, stressful, and anxiety-filled. A qualified Suffolk mediator can guide  couples through their emotions to reach an agreement that works for both spouses.

Do I Also Need A Lawyer During Mediations?

The answer is no but only if your mediator is also a lawyer by trade. Otherwise, you will have to visit a lawyer after going through mediation in order to get the paperwork done. Sometimes, a divorce mediation lawyer will suggest that a spouse ask an outside lawyer to review their Stipulation of Settlement Agreement because it is a binding legal contract that obligates each party through time. Qualified divorce mediators who are lawyers can also develop the Divorce Legal Papers. Each legal document is then filed with the courts and signed off by a Judge. This constitutes a legal divorce without all the hoopla that a traditional divorce entails.  

 Divorce Mediation Benefits

The divorce mediation process provides the basic formula for each couple to take control of their own lives and for each to successfully move forward. The average mediated divorce settlement takes around two months for the paperwork to be submitted to the courts..

A Long Island mediator is a neutral party who provides several benefits for both spouses. But is divorce mediation the right option for you? Let’s look at mediation benefits that can help you make your determination: 

When there are children involved in divorce settlements, mediation is the best atmosphere to discuss support. Of course, both parents want what is best for the children. Mediation sessions are the best option in reaching an agreement for their future. In the litigation of divorce, a judge is the trier-of-fact who often has to choose who is the most qualified parent. In that circumstance, the children will be torn  between the parents and emotions will probably be running negatively high, which is not healthy for the children.

Divorce mediation is a comparison arena. Both partners can air their grievances to begin opening up lines of communication. Mediation in this environment steers spouses to listen to each other to create a final, yet fair resolution. In contrast, the lack of communication in a litigated divorce situation blocks resolution of issues.

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  In mediation, a non-partial, trained third party can bring couples together to help them address their issues. Mediation in a divorce brings about a calming settlement, rather than both spouses walking away in total conflict. Mediation is a proven problem-solving solution for both parties.

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  Since negative emotions are part of divorce, a qualified

  Suffolk mediator can help transition those emotions into a favorable decision on the issues to be discussed. When it comes to finances, a mediator can sort out the underlying differences between you and your spouse without feelings of regret or anger. 

• In a mediation environment, the spouses can come together to make intelligent long-term and informed decisions that they would not have to look back on with disapproval.  

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  Another benefit of using a divorce mediation lawyer or divorce mediator services is that the process is a more private alternative. Generally, public divorce proceedings are messy, embarrassing, and emotionally unresolvable. In the privacy of mediation sessions, both spouses learn how to and retain their dignity and self-esteem over weeks rather than months or years.

Is Mediation Therapy a solution?

Even though divorce mediation is becoming an acceptable settlement option, it’s not a well-known therapy solution. Mediation does provide therapeutic benefits like lessening trauma and stress resulting in better communication, the resolution in the division of assets, and the calming and supportive role of co-parenting on behalf of their offspring. However, divorce mediation is not a form of therapy!

Making The Argument for Divorce Mediation

What about a spouse who doesn’t understand divorce mediation and is against it? When both parties understand that there is no turning back, divorce is the final solution. The spouse in favor of mediation can carefully take the lead to convince the opposing spouse to try this third-party technique. To further convince the opposing spouse to seek a divorce mediator, remind them that the only remaining option is lengthy, expensive litigation.

The purpose of encouraging communication in mediation rather than a contentious court-inspired divorce with multiple lawyers is to expedite the resolution of nearly everything associated with marriage over the years. Mediation also helps to expedite the end of the marriage, in an environment that promotes a promising connection at the end. At least with a skilled and experienced Suffolk mediator, there is the off-chance of revitalizing the marriage – isn’t that union worth a mediation?

Divorce is a challenging situation for all of the parties involved. On the outside, it may seem like two people decided that they do not want to live together anymore. However, only those going through the process understand what’s at stake. It becomes even more difficult if you and your spouse cannot seem to agree on a child’s custody arrangement. You might worry that you will not have enough time to spend with your child or conversely, worry that your child might be spending too much time with your spouse if he or she happens to be an abusive individual, which would impact your children in an unhealthy way.

While child custody battle cannot be avoided, there are certain mistakes you should avoid to not make things worse. Since this is a sensitive process, all it takes is one misguided statement to make the case even worse.

Mistakes you should avoid when fighting a custody battle:

Starting a physical confrontation

Going through this process can be emotionally overwhelming. You might be tempted to give in to the anger and frustration and you may even lash out. While starting a physical confrontation might feel good at that particular moment, it would not do anything to help your case.

Keep in mind that the judge wants to place the child in an environment where he would be safe. Outbursts in front of the judge would paint a completely different picture if you. You need to think what’s best for your child, no matter the cost.

Bad mouthing your ex in front of family and friends

Even if you are right about your judgments, under no circumstances should you bad mouth the child’s other parent. It doesn’t matter how frustrated you are, doing so can not only make things worse for your case, but also create a barrier between you and your child.

Moreover, in an unfortunate situation where the case seems to be going nowhere, a court will decide the custody. If reports came to surface claiming that you have been speaking ill about your ex, they may use this information when deciding which parent to choose to give the child a stable and an emotionally happy home.

Not paying child support

Given the situation, you might feel that you do not need to pay child support and custody. You might think that since the other parent was so keen on acquiring the child’s custody, he or she should have thought about bearing his or her expenses as well. But the truth is, failing to provide child support is seen as defying an order given by the court. 

Child support mediation will lead to a child support settlement. If you do not pay regularly, this could hurt you legally in many ways including landing you in jail, seizing your property and business, suspending your driver’s license, etc. If you are unable to make your payments, you should consider making a more realistic budget before signing any legal documents about support.

Posting everything on social media

It doesn’t matter how troublesome the situation at home is. If you are avid on social media about your divorce, it is better that you keep things to yourself. Specifically do not post about how careless your child’s other parent has been when it comes to taking care of your child. Everything we post on the Internet remains there unless we delete it.

Depending on the circumstances of the situation, whatever you post on the internet is admissible in court. You might think that since your profile is private, you can post whatever you want without other people seeing what you post. That is not true. People could go at great lengths to dig up dirt on others, including hacking your profile. So you should not post about the other spouse as mentioned above. 

Important pointers you should keep in mind when fighting a child custody battle:

• Different lawyers have different areas of expertise. You should hire individual lawyers with experience in a litigated divorce, or divorce lawyer mediators who have experience in handling child support mediation cases.

• The judge would not grant you custody just because you happen to be a woman. Assuming that the father of the child would not get custody is baseless. The judge will carefully hear your cases and after assessing both the parents’ carefully, he would grant custody to the parent they deem fit for the child.

• If you are sharing your child’s custody with the other parent, then making decisions about your child’s life unilaterally could have adverse effects on your case. This is especially true in two cases: school and religion. That is why you should never alienate your child from the other parent.

• It might be hard to believe, but some people use their children as weapons in their marital war when, in reality, they are the victims. People should know that while they no longer might be someone’s wife, husband or partner, they will always remain a father or a mother.

• Divorce can trigger different kinds of unsettling feelings and it is an emotional experience. But you should control it since the judge would want to choose a parent for your child who is emotionally stable. 

• You should be completely prepared before entering a child custody battle. This means doing your homework, hiring an experienced family attorney and taking time to understand what child custody laws in your state are.

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  span style=”font-weight: 400;”>Communicating with the child’s other parent, regardless of how you feel about him/her, leaves a positive impression not only on the court but also on your child. Whether it is about school meetings or letting your child go to a friend’s house- the other parents need to know what is happening in the child’s life.

• While setting boundaries is important generally, it especially becomes a point of interest when a person is going through a divorce. The signs when you have to rethink your boundaries include when you handle the other parents’ responsibilities when you see no scope of the compromise, when your ex is being childish about alimony or when he/she overlooks the rules you agreed on.

Divorce involves everyone in the extended family — each of you, your children, your mother and your father. Your sister and your brother, your aunt and your uncle. Your best friend. Your co-workers. There are nothing and no one unaffected by your divorce.

So, what to do about that? The first step to stop — don’t go off in twenty emotional directions at once. Don’t allow the emotions that the break-up of a family generates takes you over. You need to remain in charge, not the emotions that blast through you — or at you from others.

If you are able to stay centered — and reasonably calm — you will have the ability to create the next part of your life. Really — that is what divorce is about. The past is over – we will deal with its consequences for your future, not try to right the wrongs and errors of the past. Divorce is about creating a future — for yourself, for your children, even for your former spouse. With that as a beginning, the entire process of divorce becomes much more manageable.

So now, what is that process? When our clients make an appointment to see us at the Long Island Center for Divorce Mediation in Suffolk County, NY – Huntington or Yaphank – as the first step we carefully explain the process.

1. First, we will help you make decisions about all issues regarding your children and your finances. That means we will help you figure out how to divide up your assets and liabilities that accumulated during the marriage. We will help you decide on child custody, parenting schedules and child support. While we will inform you of NY State guidelines re divorce, you will not have to follow those guidelines if they do not make sense to the two of you. We will guide you through the best decisions for the two of you and your family.

2. Once all decisions regarding the divorce have been made, our lawyer, Fred Klarer, Esq., will develop the Stipulation of Settlement or contract between you. You will edit.

3. Next, Fred will develop the Divorce Packet – legal papers needed in NY State for a legal divorce. You will edit.

4. Then, you will both come to our office and sign the documents. Fred will take to the Courts. Eventually, a Judge will sign, your Divorce will be recorded at the County Clerk, and you will be legally divorced.

At our divorce mediation center, we make sure your divorce is lower in stress, faster and less costly than traditional divorces. Please give us a call if interested at 631-757-1553. And please read our reviews.