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we go through divorce mediation while we are still very mad at each
other? |
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The
adversarial approach to divorce typically plays on the emotions of the parties
and fans the flames - "He/She done you wrong and we'll take him for
everything he/she's got . . ." Once adversarial lawyers get into the
act the couple is forbidden to even communicate with each other and, instead
of laying the groundwork for a new, and very different relationship, they
are forced to become further and further estranged from each other. The
result is the worst possible relationship for successful parenting after
the divorce. The parents suffer and the children suffer. In contrast, divorce
mediation recognizes and validates the strong emotions that each party feels
on the eve of divorce. The mediator makes space for those emotions in the
process but doesn't allow them to hinder the process of agreement. The mediator
seeks to help the parties to build a limited relationship of trust around
the issues of being truthful with each other in the negotiations. The trust
builds by making an agreement to which each party genuinely assents and
is prepared to live up to. By coming to an agreement with each other the
divorcing couple develops a foundation for less hostile feelings toward
each other. The result is that after the divorce they are not left helpless
with their anger and resentment but rather have new ways of communicating
with each other as parents.
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