Most people have not been through a divorce before. Suddenly your world is turned upside down. Couples you have been friendly with suddenly don’t answer the phone — not sure which side to take. Someone who you thought was a best friend suddenly takes your spouse’s side. There is nowhere you feel safe; you feel disoriented and unsure of who you can trust.
It is essential to find someone, an objective person, to steady you during the divorce process. I know of at least one experienced divorce lawyer who will not take a new client who will not commit to being in therapy during the divorce.
While a friend may work out, or a support group, the problem is that their own agendas may take over. I have met with a number of men over the years who have joined a father’s rights group, only to have the agenda of the strongest member of that group replace his own good sense.
I would suggest “rent a friend” — that is to say, a divorce coach, a therapist, or a mentor, who does not have an axe to grind, other than getting paid for professional services, and who can meet with you on a regular basis to keep you on an even keel and help you avoid making emotional decisions that only exacerbate the already deteriorating situation.
It is too easy to try to get back at your spouse, or to listen to an overly litigious attorney, or to listen to your friend who went through a divorce and didn’t get what he or she wanted and who is now going to use your divorce to settle the score. Even with the best of intentions, it is a rare friend who can really give you an objective assessment of the situation.
A mentor is someone who has dealt with enough divorces to offer a distanced view of what you are going through. It may seem a unique experience to you — it is. But all divorces have a pattern that others have passed through before. To know that you are not the first to go through this can bring down the fear and terror that one often experiences in this disorienting experience.
An experienced coach will know all the stages of a divorce and help you recognize what is happening, what comes next, how to distinquish between important issues and events and merely temporary ones that don’t really matter in the long run.
An experienced therapist can help you deal with the deeper issues — why are you reacting to certain events so emotionally, and to others not at all? A therapist can help you understand the dynamics that lead to the divorce, so that you do not continue them during the divorce process.
One note of caution — your new love interest is not the best person for this role. A new boyfriend or girlfriend is not capable of being objective. He or she has an interest in strengthening the bond in the new, still fragile relationship, perhaps in establishing a relationship with your children. Best to let that relationship develop apart from the divorce. In this situation you need objective help and support rather than love and justification.
The best advice I can offer on this topic is this — don’t try to go it alone. Don’t be too proud to get some professional assistance — you will get a much better result.
