The Elephant in the Room

I had a couple come in to see me a couple of days ago to negotiate a separation. They appeared to be in agreement about most of the major issues and it did not look to  be a complicated set of problems to resolve. However, they kept beating about the bush about why they needed help in resolving their issues.

A bit of digging on my part surfaced the real issue. It was a second marriage for both. After they got married they each sold their separate houses and bought one big, expensive  house, for them and their respective children. So, “Sell the house”, I said. They both wanted to do that, but there was a problem they just didn’t want to bring up. It turned out that the wife’s father lived with them. When they bought the house, in order to buy the big expensive house on the water that they wanted they had convinced the wife’s father to sell his big expensive house and go in with them. He was the majority owner in the current marital residence. And he did not want to move.

So they were stuck; they both wanted out of the marriage; they were in agreement over most of the issues between them, but neither of them wanted to continue owning the house. The husband wanted to move out, set up his own home, and get on with it. The wife did not want to continue living with her father the rest of her life.

So, the real question they came to solve with me was, how to get the father to agree to sell and to move. They problem was that, he wasn’t in the room. They had each discussed the issue with him and he was adamant; he wasn’t selling or moving. They were stuck.

I suggested that they discuss some of the legal approaches to forcing a sale with their respective attorneys, since there are ways to do that, but was entirely clear with them about the consequences in time, money, and ill will, of getting into litigation with a family member. No one is going to come out of that happy.

I said that the real solution was to  bring Dad into the negotiations and to find a solution that would address his concerns, which are more emotional than anything else, as well as their own needs. They were trying by any means possible to avoid that confrontation. But sometimes, the only way through a problem is to confront it head on.

If there is an elephant in the room you cannot solve the proble by ignoring the elephant.

Tagged as: assessment of economic need, Distribution of Assets, Mediation vs. Litigation in Long Island Divorce, Refusal to Get Real, third parties in mediation